Posted by: facetothewind | October 15, 2010

A shot in the dark

“To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”

— Mary Oliver

Sebastian and I ended our epic storybook romance today. We did it by Skype…well, Google chat if you must know. Here’s my last picture of him before we disconnected the call.

It seemed like the right thing to do. Too many obstacles seem to trip us up: his family’s stern judgment of us, the distance, the German winter, our age difference. But mostly Sebastian was not fully in love with me. He enjoyed the comfort and companionship but because I was his first romance, he never got to know the real reason for relationship…burning desire. So after 2 years of knowing him, we decided to end it.

So why do I post this publicly, airing my dirty laundry for all to see? Because it’s not really “dirty laundry.” The love story of Sebastian and David is a beautiful one and, in my humble opinion, worth sharing and documenting. Perhaps our love might touch and inspire others. And perhaps in my grief at its demise, someone will see this posting and reach out and share his or her experience with me. This posting is a call to help.

You see, without Sebastian I feel completely lost, disoriented and alone.  After our 2 hours of video chat, which I want to say was amazingly gentle and loving, I paced about the house squealing like a dog that had been run over by a car. The wind felt kicked out of me. Interestingly, strangely, I admit, I grabbed my camera and tripod and went on a photoshoot. Breathless, restless and wan, I wanted to see if I could capture the darkness in imagery.

I wandered out to the desert by the house, into the blazing Arizona midday sun and in spite of the searing quality of the light, it still felt distant, like someone else’s light. I sat in the shadow of the “crying tree” – a dead tree that I have on occasion gone to listen to music and grieve whatever ails me at the time.

Some storm clouds were brewing over the mountains, undulating and churning. My insides churning, I’m trying to hold on.

I walked back to the house and jumped in the pool. The cold felt like someone else’s cold on someone else’s body. Sebastian and I used to do our morning yoga here and spent many, many days by the pool, swimming and frolicking in the sun, holding each other by moonlight in the cool, dark water. Today it seems painfully quiet…only the hum of the filter and a few ripples from the wind on the surface.

The most scary thing about a breakup is that sinking feeling that I may never find love again, that I may now just have to accept a lifetime of solitude.

It seems that I’ve awakened from a very rich and colorful dream that spanned Asia, Europe and America. My time with Sebastian was without any hesitation, the richest time of my life. The “little German girl from chorus” took me on a wild ride that overwhelms me with joy to even think about.

But one cannot grasp at dreams in an attempt to preserve them. One has to move on even if we know that our return to reality may be a little less fabulous. And so we return home, we draw the curtains and lie down for a nap.

And if we’re lucky, we wake up and do it again. Amen.


  1. David, I met you and Sebastian while visiting Larry in June 09. I enjoy reading your blog and am so sorry to hear about your loss. I do hope expressing it helps you….best wishes, Kathy

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