Posted by: facetothewind | October 22, 2010

On the other hand

“Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.”
— George Bernard Shaw

Each day, the grief of losing my boyfriend reaches around me like tentacles of an evil sea creature trying to strangle me. I spend my nights lying in bed awake, unpacking all the moments I spent with Sebastian, dissecting them looking for signs of his discontent…some clue that the minute he returned from Germany he would wish to end our ‘storybook romance.’ I examine each moment and scan it like a computer would for a virus. Then if there were no apparent signs, I save the file and put it away. This goes on at 3 am. It goes on in my mind when instead I should be napping, recovering from a lost night of sleep. And only do I sleep when my brain has finally worn itself out.

Each day is a struggle to not feel cut adrift, to not feel that life will just carry me along — another day will arrive and part and that my heart will keep beating and I’ll keep breathing, eating, and doing my life. I actually prefer to live as if I have something to contribute and some sense of worthiness and purpose. I like to earn my keep. But lately I’ve felt that I just have to let someone or something else steer as I’ve lost my sense of direction and can’t tell what’s up or down. It’s somewhat like being tossed in a wave: you’re out there bobbing in the water and then all of a sudden a wave hits you from behind and you’re in the ‘white room,’ tumbling and being churned violently. You lose your sense of where the surface is. You panic and worry that you won’t survive this tumbling. And then your face gets slammed into the sand leaving you with a bloody chin and you at least know you’ve hit bottom.

That’s what my days are like.

There are too many painful moments in each day, too many sad things to relate, should I even care to enumerate them all. I don’t. So what about having my heart broken could possibly be good? Let me list a few positive things about ending my relationship with my German boyfriend:

  1. All groceries are now half off
  2. There will be LEFTOVERS for lunch and dinner!
  3. I can get old and stale with pride without my painfully youthful-looking boyfriend standing next to me looking fresh
  4. I won’t hear these words again, “Is this your son?”
  5. I don’t have to learn German and can instead learn French
  6. I no longer have to figure out if it’s der, das, or die
  7. I can laugh when I see the Euro going up against the Dollar
  8. I won’t have to deal with German people staring at me
  9. I don’t have to ever face eating German food again
  10. I won’t have to deal with that ‘friendly German customer service’
  11. I won’t have to sit in an outdoor cafe and have cigarette smoke blown in my face
  12. I won’t have to pretend to like Sebastian’s family who laughed at him upon news of our breakup
  13. I won’t have to bicycle on cobblestone again
  14. I won’t have to walk on cobblestone
  15. I don’t have to fix any of Sebastian’s things any more
  16. I won’t have to listen to the incessant wee-wah of German sirens
  17. I won’t have to eat bugs while bicycling in Germany
  18. I can chew my nails to my heart’s content
  19. I get to keep the bike seat at my height all the time
  20. I get to listen to all the sad music I want
  21. I don’t have to dread the expiration date on our life together. It has already come.
  22. Anonymous sex and the possibility of an STD. Wehooo.
  23. I get to find a more reliable and authentic source of love…which may not involve another person

**

So there! How’s that for being positive?

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year’s course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness and the word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”

Carl Jung


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Responses

  1. Alright Dear… Sunday night? Chamber music? You and me? 8pm curtain?


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