Posted by: facetothewind | April 12, 2011

Eyes to the sky while blowing snot bubbles

I was supposed to be doing more roofing today with crazy Tom but he didn’t show up. So I had an unexpected free day which meant I did tons of laundry and varnished a door in between bouts of watching the live eagle cam. Real excitement, let me tell you. More fun than watching our debt ceiling rise.

These days of life post-Sebastian, the hardest part of the day is dinner time. I’m one of those weirdos who feels despondent if I am suppering alone. Sitting in front of the TV for dinner is a coping mechanism. I do all I can to cook and invite people over and keep my social momentum rolling. But mostly it seems that if I’m not the one making the invitations, nothing happens. And sometimes I grow weary of this. Doesn’t anyone else know how to cook or make an invitation? Or is it that I’m just such horrible company? And what’s up with people and their dreadful social skills these days — they can’t even return a phone call or an email to say, “Thanks for the invite. I can’t, how about another time?” Is everyone really so important that they don’t have the time to even do that?

Another way of coping with my lackluster social life is to slap on my iPod and go for a walk in the desert by the house. Tonight I was listening to some Mendelsohn, some Harenberg choral music and David Gray. It’s a great way to just ease the discomfort of being alone at dinner time. I sing and walk in step with the music and sometimes bring my camera.

When I first moved to this neighborhood 7 years ago, this land across from my house was in limbo. It was a horse pasture then was to become a golf course, then a soccer field. The neighbors stepped in and took charge and petitioned the City of Tucson to buy it and turn it into a protected wilderness area. Introducing Rio Vista Natural Resource Park.

RVNRP is a great place to enjoy the sky, open space and mountain views. It’s also a great spot for bird watching or my own favorite pastime: cloud watching. Here are a few shots of the evening:

And when the light has finally slipped away, rendering the sky indigo blue, it’s time to go back and heat up some leftovers and catch the PBS Newshour.

Sigh.

Welcome to middle age. Sitting by the TV eating leftovers. What would I change if I had to do life over so that this wasn’t my reality? What piece of advice would I give to myself?

Don’t ever stop creating and nurturing community. And once you have roots down, don’t pull them up. I left my community in the Bay Area when I was 37 and have been scrambling to put together a community ever since. Maybe I would tell myself to have a steady relationship by the time you’re 30. Well, I tried. It never happened. I kept choosing the wrong people. So it’s back to the drawing board: community building.

I have often thought about leaving Tucson but now at 47 (yes, it’s been 10 years in Arizona) I think it would be extremely dangerous to pull up the few roots I do have here, even if it means facing a lot of alone time.  And perhaps that’s the angst that underlies all: having to always make peace with being by myself.

I do try to convince myself that my trees and the clouds and my iPod are good company. And mostly I can accept that. But times like Sunday afternoon it just eats at me. It’s an old and gaping wound: being unpopular in high school because I was ugly, skinny and gay. Well, gee, has anything changed?

Come on! I can grow great bubbles with my snot while foaming at the mouth. Wouldn’t YOU want to have this guy over for dinner?

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Responses

  1. David, David,
    You’ll always be popular with me, unless you keep insisting on blowing snot in my face. Why do what’s disgusting after so much beauty? I know, I know, it’s funny. To you. But still…it makes me feel sick, after a lovely read. Just FYI.

    Love anyway,
    Gillian

  2. David, here I was all set to say “magnificent photographs!” when I got to the end. Seconding Gillian’s response.

  3. Ew. Wow.
    Love, Jeff

  4. come blow bubbles in bangkok!


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